The Showdown For 11th Place

There were some things you could count on this fantasy basketball season: Dwyane Wade carrying fantasy owners and The Heat on his back; Luke Ridnour, Andray Blatche, Tyrus Thomas, and J.R. Smith getting picked up and dropped more often than a Saigon whore; suicide rates increasing in the early months of 2009 due to the losses of players the likes of Amar'e Stoudemire, Al Jefferson, Andrew Bogut and Andrew Bynum (historically to be known as the big-man massacre of '09); and because of all the injured centers, every team owner thinking at least once about picking up Eric Dampier, but then deciding not to upon remembering Shaq's quote of "I've been playing like Eric Dampier," said when referring to his struggles with a thigh injury in 2005.

Bust a Salary Cap's official fantasy league, NBA Jam T.E. has also had it's constants: Mr. Glass talking smack about me dropping Tyrus Thomas, HawaiianStyle63 ratting out his friends to yahoo for inappropriate team logos, high assist to turnover ratio teams dominating the league (and me as commish taking shit for it), but above all else, the one thing any fantasy owner in our league could count on... getting a win over Team and Team Injury.

As one might infer from their names, these teams' owners gave up on them long ago, and with Team Injury's star studded roster of A'mare Stoudemire, Chris Kaman, and Jameer Nelson, and Team's record setting one week of adjusting his lineups, they had the firepower to send them sprawling to the bottom of the rankings like an authentic Manu Ginobili flop.

Now that we are in the thick of the playoffs, I feel that some attention should be brought to this epic match of the worst our league had to offer.

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note: Somehow, the also appropriately named Team of Pussies made it higher on the consolation bracket, even after the injuries of Bynum, and Michael Redd put him in 2nd to last place. By still paying attention to the league, that lucky ginger has made it to the consolation semi-final.

Dark Mounty Commits Suicide Because of NCAA Tournament Bracket

Local blogger and total moron Dark Mounty was found dead, apparently from suicide, in his Seattle area condominium Thursday night after Memphis, who he retardedly chose to win the NCAA tournament, was vanquished in the Sweet 16. Mounty, who has finished in the bottom three of his tournament bracket pool each of the last five years, took his own life shortly after the 3 seed Missouri Wildcats upset the 2 seed Memphis Tigers.

Authorities found Mounty's corpse alongside the destroyed remains of his laptop, which presumably he heaved against the wall out of fury at his own stupidity for choosing Memphis to win his bracket. Also found by Dark's body and smoldering laptop was a suicide note, the contents of which his family has agreed to release to the media. Here is an excerpt:

"My bracket's awful performance this year, along with the last several years, has demonstrated that I am too fucking stupid to live. The fact that I can't make a single reasonable guess at the teams who will make the final four in any given year has proven to me that I truly have nothing to live for. Any of the other mildly positive accomplishments I've had in life pale in comparison to the utter failures of my bracket. The extreme incompetence with which I've conducted myself in my tourney pools is just too much to bare. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to end it all."

Mounty continued, "Memphis!? Are you fucking serious!? They don't play in a real conference and they can't shoot free throws. What the fuck were you thinking!?!?!?"

The note went on to expound on some of the other more idiotic choices Mounty made in his bracket, including Arizona State going to the Elite Eight, and Gonzaga going to the Final Four. The letter also spent several paragraphs explaining how Mounty could not live knowing that total piece of shit Jake Briggs could possibly be so much better than him at something.

"Jake Briggs is probably the dumbest human I've ever met. And yet he destroys me with his bracket every year. If I can't beat someone with Briggs' I.Q., then I do not deserve to go on living."

The only uplifting points of the suicide note came when Mounty bid a loving goodbye to his family, and when he took solace in the knowledge that he would at least beat Liem Dinh in the bracket pool. Said Dark, "As bad as I feel, I take a tiny bit of joy with me to the grave knowing that Liem picked the Washington Huskies to win the tournament. At least one person on earth is more worthless than me."

No memorial service is scheduled yet, since no one really feels bad for Mounty. "It was his own fault," said friend Alton Ma, "That bracket sucked total shit. If I had picked that badly, I would have killed myself too. Frankly, I've lost so much respect for him because of this, I'm not even sad. I would not go to that faggot's funeral." When pressed to show the slighest bit of compassion for his fallen friend, Ma simply yelled, "YEAH RIGHT!"

Dark Mounty is survived by his two fellow bloggers, J-Smi and Mr. Glass.

Tournament Murder Mystery

When the Iowa City Police Department (ICPD) investigates crime they go to every conventional length to find clues. They look for possible weapons and perform ballistics testing. Crime scenes are scoured for finger prints and DNA evidence. Witnesses are questioned and hotlines are opened to field anonymous tips. ICPD received an unexpected tip this week. An anonymous caller told police that the suspect (male) had attended the Oklahoma - Georgia Tech NCAA tournament matchup in Iowa City. Police weren't eager to look through ticket purchases for such a celebrated event. That is until they discovered that Iowa City was hosting the Women's NCAA Tournament. Forty-five minutes was spent sifting through the almost 35 ticket purchases for this event. Police quickly identified the only male in attendance.

Unfortunately for law enforcement, the suspect was never arraigned. When police went to aprehend the man, he was found dead in his apartment. An autopsy later revealed that the man had apparently watched both the first and second round of the Women's Tournament and died of boredom. The coroner said the cause of death will be listed as suicide. "No one should be attempting to watch that much women's basketball." the coroner said, "That's a suicide mission."

Warner Undergoes Hip Surgery to Improve Quality of Life in Golden Years

Senior citizen and former NFL MVP Kurt Warner recently announced he underwent elective hip surgery to repair the long ailing joint. “It’s something I’ve been debating doing for a long time,” said Warner, “I’ve never been big on doctors, so I’ve been avoiding it for years. But after a lot of discussion with my family, I knew it was finally time.” The war injury, suffered in battles of decades past, was debilitating to the extent that it was preventing Warner from participating in his favorite leisure activities. “It was getting uncomfortable enough that I couldn’t do the things I like to do with my family and my friends over at Tranquil Meadows Retirement Home.” Warner added, “That’s not the way I want to spend my twilight years.” His doctors have said that once he’s fully recovered from the procedure, Kurt can return to his admirably active lifestyle, clearing him to participate in his favorite hobbies, including shuffleboard, square-dancing, golf, and quarterbacking a professional football team.

NFL QB Non-Controversies

The old saying goes “If you have two quarterbacks, you actually have none.” Every year in the NFL we see QB controversies where two guys vie for the starting position, and a controversy ensues when every fan and media member has a different opinion about who should be the man. But what about the newer, lesser known saying (invented by me) that goes “If you have no quarterback, or two shitty quarterbacks, you’re totally fucked." That’s when you have what I like to call a QB Non-Controversy. I think we can all agree that other than the few really good guys at the top, QB’s in the NFL by and large suck total shit. This results in a bunch of teams having non-controversies (and therefore non playoff appearances). I will now break down team-by-team some of the more glaring non-controversies in the league.

Minnesota Vikings

One of the leagues more heated non-controversies, the Vikes cranked the temperature on the hot seat under Tevaris Jackson by trading for Sage Rosenfels. Now the Vikings are in the unenviable position of having to choose between an old and slow (read: white) unproven turnover machine with limited NFL starts, and a young and mobile (read: black) unproven turnover machine with limited NFL starts. Minnesota’s stellar defense and running game die a little inside with each passing day thanks to this situation.

Chicago Bears

The Bears ended years of non-controversy by releasing Rex Grossman this offseason, definitively answering whether they would choose between a turd sandwich and a semen milkshake as their QB, finally settling on Kyle Orton (turd sandwich) as their starter.

Buffalo Bills
Buffalo had long since settled any controversy at their QB spot, going with Trent Edwards (slightly below average) over JP Losman (slightly below terrible). However, they foolishly reintroduced controversy into their lives by bringing in Terrell Owens, a man who would somehow find a way to complain about his QB even if a genetically engineered combination of Montana, Unitas, Marino, and Elway were throwing him passes. Sure he may start out with the tearful, “That’s my teammate… that’s my quarterback,” routine, but it won’t be more than 3 weeks into the season until TO is clamoring for more touches or a change at QB. Way to fuck up what could have been another mediocre season, Buffalo.

New York Jets

Definitely no controversy here. Ironman and perennial interception league leader Brett Favre has “retired”, opening the door for young Kellen Clemens to take over. We all know that once Favre says he’s done and formally hands the reigns over to the young man in waiting, it’s for good. If history has shown us anything, it’s that Favre sticks to his convictions about retirement. I’d love to be at lunch with Favre and newly appointed Jets head coach Rex Ryan when Favre dropped the retirement bomb.

“Coach Ryan, I have to tell you that after a lot of soul searching and conversations with my family [sob], I’ve decided to hang up my cleats. It’s hard because I know I can compete at the highest level – in my heart, I know I could easily throw 20+ picks and lead this team to 7 victories – but a man just has to know when it’s time to leave on top. That’s why I am [sob]… retiring”. Unfortunately, 5 minutes later he would get that famous “itch” to play again (I theorize it’s really just the itching caused by wearing his too tight Wranglers, but I digress) and he would unretire.Final Stats for Favre’s Lunch with Rex Ryan:

Retirements: 2

Un-Retirements: 3

Interceptions: 5

Cardinals, Cowboys, Eagles, Seahawks

I lump these teams all into one category because their non-controversies stem from the fact that their backups have gotten playtime in recent years (whether because of injury to, or benching of, the starter), and they have all proven to suck balls. You really can’t have a controversy on your hands when it has been shown through game experience that the backup is fucking terrible. Tony Romo isn’t exactly nervous about Brad Johnson breathing down his neck, nor is Kurt Warner worried about Matt Leinart setting down his clipboard and beer bong and taking his job during training camp. Warner, Romo, McNabb, and Hasselbeck, if you can stay healthy, I’m pretty sure your jobs are safe. No controversy about that.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Bucs are having extreme non-controversy at the QB spot because they don’t even have a QB. Well, at least not one with a pulse. After releasing Jeff Garcia, their depth chart now literally reads Brian Griese, Luke McCown, and Josh Johnson. Now there’s a 3-headed monster of shame. A good rule of thumb for GMs is that if you have any combination of Griese, a McCown brother, or some guy you’ve never heard of battling it out for the starting spot, you should probably go ahead and kill yourself immediately.

The C.C. Special

I ran into C.C. Sabathia in the Bronx having a quick lunch bite. See for yourself:

(The bottom tier contains eight strips of bacon, six sausages and four burger paddies; followed by a second tier of black pudding; topped by a third tier comprised of two diced chicken breasts and six fried eggs.)

Picture Courtesy Of: thisiswhyyourefat.com

FIRST REPORT: Cutler's Blatant Drug Flaunting Draws No Foul From Media

Jay Cutler's name has been getting a lot of press lately in regards to the recent Denver trade debacle. His tirade against his current team for involving him in trade talks was the first we'd heard from Cutler since the pro bowl, and now his face is plastered on every sports page, website and blog. Well I've been following a story about the Broncos' quarterback that has been going on for the past year, and yet the rest of the media has turned a blind eye to it again and again:

Folks, we all hear about performance enhancing drugs, and the well known names that have been caught using them: Rodger Clemens, A-Rod, Tony Mandarich, Dr. Bruce Banner, the list goes on... But where, and this goes out to all of sports media, where I ask, is the coverage of one Jay Cutler, and his blatant use of the performance enhancing drug insulin?

It's no secret that in 2008, the second year quarterback out of Vanderbilt was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. For the record, type 1 diabetes isn't the kind you get from a lifetime of eating poorly and not getting enough exercise (that's type 2). Type 1 is the perfectly natural kind that God gives you because he's bored, or because your parents had sex before they were married. Anyway, after being diagnosed he starts testing his blood sugar and using insulin and immediately starts to feel better. So let's get this straight, Cutler is dealt a poor hand in life, so he just sticks a needle into his arm and proceeds to have his best year as a pro? I CALL BULLSHIT.

The fact of the matter is, Jay Cutler would not have thrown for over 4500 yards, 25 touchdowns and be elected to the pro bowl if he was playing all natural and drug free right now. In a 2008 interview with Michael Silver of Yahoo Sports, Cutler flagrantly taunted his use of the superman drug,

"This goes everywhere with me," Cutler said, spinning the pouch as though it were a football after he'd just snuck across the goal line.

Do you know what that pouch contains? Syringes full of insulin, or as it's known on the street "'betes-meth". It's fitting that Silver equates this action to an end zone celebration, because Cutler has plenty to celebrate, since with his new wonder potion he can prevent himself from passing out on the sideline, a luxury not shared by other NFL quarterbacks.

Cutler continues his interview, detailing what his life was like before enhancing his football playing abilities with blood sugar monitors and insulin.

"I was eating six meals a day – I'd eat a meal and like 30 minutes later I'd be ready to eat again. Yet I kept losing weight, and they were telling me it was the stress. I was like, 'I'm not that stressed.' I mean, my jeans were falling off my body and I was all pale. I looked like hell."

So let me get this straight, Cutler went from being thin and weak, to a rocket armed QB who claims to throw harder than John Elway? Does that sound like someone else we know?


Cutler is laughing in the face of diseased and/or generally unhealthy athletes everywhere, and the national sports media glorifies it with phrases like "overcoming adversity," and "inspiration to millions of American's with diabetes," well Rodger Clemens overcame something too, being old and sucking. And he did it by sticking a needle in his arm, just like Jay Cutler.

How could the sports world drop the ball like this? I don't have the answers, I just ask the hard hitting questions, and hopefully some eyes have been opened today.

Quarterback Controversies

There are some interesting stories surfacing from the NFL offseason. Here's a few of my personal favorite quarterback story lines.

Jay Cutler injures ego during Trading Camp


Jay Cutler is officially the NFL's biggest cry baby. Despite, playing in as many NFL playoff games as me (zero), he feels he deserves the "untouchable" tag. He is apparently pissed off because the Broncos included him in a recent offer for Matt Cassel. Welcome to the NFL, Jay. Now, take off the diapers, put away the crayons, and learn to potty like a big boy. When you turn 13, you'll look back and realize that this is all just part of pro sports.




Arizona chooses cellar dwelling... again



The Arizona Cardinals are unwilling to spend the money to keep Kurt Warner in the desert. Are people honestly surprised by this? This is the fucking Cardinals, folks. You think they go to the playoffs once a century because the desert is hot, the air is too dry, or the NFC west is too competitive? Nope, it's because the front office is full of apes. And by apes, I mean fucking morons. So, no, they aren't going to keep Kurt even though he only wants a 2-year contract. If I was a fan of the mighty Super-Cardinals, I'd load up on narcotics and prepare for the Matt Leinart era.




Kansas City lands a new QB that they can't protect



Matt Cassel is going where quarterbacks go to die, Kansas City. Congratulations, Matt! I'd rather masterbate with sandpaper than start at tackling dummy, er, Quarterback for the Chiefs.