EAS Myoplex: Get Some Better Fucking Spokespeople for Your Ads

I’m assuming that many of you, like me, watch a fair amount of sporting events on television. You probably have noticed that during sporting events on TV, they tend to show commercials for sporty, manly stuff, like trucks, beer, Gatorade, basketball shoes, etc. It’s standard, and we’ve all become accustomed to it. But there is one company whose commercials air during games that really fucking bothers me. I am of course talking about the ads for EAS Myoplex.

Most of these sports type commercials try to get big name stars, like MJ, or LeBron, or LaDanian Tomlinson (even though he sort of sucks shit these days). They’re the type of players who are super athletic superstars, who make you think “holy shit if I use this product, I can be athletic like Michael Jordan!” However, this is not EAS’ strategy. Apparently EAS has decided to go with a strategy of “Let’s pick players who are kind of mediocre, who a lot of people haven’t heard of, and aren’t really that athletic”. Let me break down some of their recent commercials for their Myoplex protein drink.

The first one I saw aired back in 2007, starring Brady Quinn. At the time, he was a rookie backup on the browns who had not yet started an NFL game. Are you fucking kidding me? The best guy you could get to pimp your product was a backup quarterback? He famously fell to number 22 in the draft that year because no one wanted him. And this is who EAS decided to go with. Get a real fucking marketing department.

But EAS didn’t stop there. Oh no. This year they brought out the big guns for their commercial. This time they decided to go with a trio of “stars” to convince us to drink their shitty workout shake. The cast? Matt Hasselbeck, some girl, and Chase Utley (who I think might be a baseball player). I don’t even know where to begin this is so fucking absurd, but I guess I’ll start with Hasselbeck.

This is a guy who is most famous for his high pitched childlike voice proclaiming “We’re gonna take the ball and we’re gonna score!” at the overtime coin toss right before throwing the game losing pick-6 to get eliminated from the playoffs. He’s an old, bald, slow, injury prone white guy, not exactly recognized for his athleticism. Sure he is a serviceable NFL QB, but when you think about guys who are known for athletics and workouts, it’s definitely not him. So why the FUCK would EAS choose him to take the lead in their commercial for a workout drink? It’s god damn retarded… almost as retarded as his cunty sister-in-law’s conservative rants on The View.

I won’t even delve into the girl in the commercial because by virtue of being a female athlete she is totally irrelevant because girls’ sports are boring and an utter waste of time. Needless to say, her being in the ad didn’t exactly make me rush to GNC to pickup some Myoplex. The other guy in the commercial, Chase Utley, plays 2^nd base for the Phillies. “Oooooh, wow, a 2^nd baseman! They’re known for traditionally having the least batting power of anyone on the field! If he takes Myoplex, I definitely should!” [Queue me making the jacking off gesture]

Seriously EAS, get your fucking lives together. Sure the only people who buy your shitty product in the first place are gym obsessed body dysmorphic frat bros who need to finish every workout off with a creatine shake and some anal sex, but come on. Splurge a little and get some decent spokespeople for your ads.

Manhattan Love Triangle

Madison Square has changed shape. The home of Nate Robinson will soon be known as the Madison Triangle, as in the bromance triangle that is developing between Will Ferrell, Nate Robinson, and J-Smi, fantasy owner of Nate Rob in NBA Jam T.E.

In case you missed the softcore action between Nate Robinson and Will Ferrel, check it out. Something you probably didn't know is that J-Smi has been violently infatuated with Nate Robinson since picking him up in NBA Jam T.E. earlier this year. I can't wait to see how this three man weave plays out over the years. I'm guessing J-Smi is the odd man out.

Old Balls Griffey, and Even Older Penis Nicknames

Well it's official, Ken Griffey Jr. is making a triumphant return to the Mariners in the twilight of his career. And while this move is almost totally meaningless from a baseball perspective since he's old as fuck and basically washed up at this point, it brings back many fond memories to a Mariners fan like myself. Memories like him losing the home run race to McGuire and Sosa in '98, like him abandoning the team during his prime to run home to his daddy's Reds, or never making it to the World Series despite having him, Alex Rodriguez, and Randy Johnson all on the same team. Those are cherished, heartwarming memories. I jest; Griffey was great and did a lot for the Mariners and for Seattle. And honestly, there are a lot of really great memories of him and those mid '90s M's teams. But perhaps my favorite memory, and the most underrated, under-reported, and most un-ball-leivable aspect of the 1990s Mariners is their nicknames; they were all based on their penises!

Okay I know that claim sounds absurd -- how could every Mariner moniker be phallic? But it's absolutely true. Please bear with me while I break it down player by player.

"Bone" - Jay Buhner
Are you kidding me? Bone? How much more obviously could this nickname be about his dong? They might as well have called him "wood" or "stiffy" or "hard-on". Clearly Jay had an affinity for naked dudes in the locker room strong enough to get him visibly excited. Where else would this nickname come from?

"The Big Unit" - Randy Johnson
Another fairly obvious one. I can only imagine how this one came about. I picture some poor sports beat writer for the Post/Intelligencer accidentally wandering into the M's locker room looking for an interview after a victory over the Angels, and the poor bastard was confronted right in his face by a 12-inch fucking trouser snake dangling from the 6'10" hurler's groin. Before he knew it, the beat writer had his headline for the next day's sports page: "Big Unit Pounds Halos".

"Junior" - Ken Griffey Jr.
Unfortunately for the future hall of famer, he was hung with a pretty unflattering handle. Obviously "junior" didn't have the manhood to stack up to his well endowed peers. Poor little guy was just the kid among men.

"Dirty Sanchez" - Edgar Martinez
Alright you caught me, I just made that one up.

"A-Rod" - Alex Rodriguez
While this one isn't as obvious as some of his teammates, I don't think you have to be a rocket scientist to make the connection between "rod" and "penis". I think we can safely assume that A-Rod evolved from "He's really packin' a rod!" or something to that effect. And while many have since copied the first-letter-of-the-first-name / first-several-letters-of-the-last-name nickname format (T-Mac, K-Rod, D-Wade, etc), Alex's was unique in that it was about his dick. It’s ironic that he’s since probably injected his dick into oblivion with balls/penis shrinking anabolic steroids.

"Tiny-Cock McGee" - Joey Cora
Also made up.

"The Sheriff" - Norm Charlton
The Sheriff was the fastest draw in the west. Whether it was whipping it out to quickly piss on an unsuspecting teammate in the shower, or speedily rubbing one out in between the games of a doubleheader, The Sheriff's penile pistol skills were unmatched, and no doubt it is where he got the nickname.

So there you have it. Griffey coming back to the team really is a blessing, since it reminds us of better, more carefree days, when guys named themselves after their junk. I guess it is pretty nice to have old “Junior” back. Even though he’s old and sucks shit.

Horse Murphy Rises Above

Troy Murphy may just be another potato eating fuck of a mick to his friends and family back in New Jersey, but to the Pacers, and fantasy owners like me (his real family), he is much much more.

Murphy has been primarily known as just a rebounding threat in fantasy circles during his three years in Indianapolis. Even at Golden State he had never averaged more than 15.4 ppg in a season. But it is Murphy who is taking on more of the scoring since Granger has been out of the lineup.

Including the game in which Granger was hurt in the first quarter (at Charlotte), Murphy has averaged 20.3 ppg, 14.6 rpg and 3.3 apg in his absence.

The Sports Network - Fantasy

That was written even before Murphy's 19 point, 21 rebound explosion last night. It's plain to see that much like a horse* runs ragged for his owner, Troy lives to please his fantasy owners, for without whom he would probably be homeless, penniless, and frequenting dingy motels in Jersey, spitting out his Gatorgum to fellate traveling business men while reruns of Elimidate flicker in the dim light. That, or acting as a drug mule for the Irish Mafia; squatting in the bathtub and reminding himself, "You gotta work hard if you wanna be good," while shitting out plastic pellets of heroin, hoping none burst in his stomach on the rough ride over the border. Either way, thank God the man can rebound and shoot threes right?

Now get you're stupid face back under the hoop, Horse!


*Scroll down to bottom of the link for personal fun facts.

BREAKING NEWS: Whistler Blowers release Matt Bonner

Matthew Bonner's run with top ranked fantasy team BC's Whistle Blowers has ended after only 4 short days. The turbulent relationship began when the Whistle Blowers agreed to a contract which stipulated that the team name would be changed to the Whistle "Bonners" in reference to the highly touted center from San Antonio. Fans of the franchise were outraged at the thought of having to purchase new merchandise to support their team. Matt Bonner was at the center of the storm, having been thrust into the role as the new face of the franchise. Fans began bringing signs expressing sentiments such as "Get Out! Matt GONER!" and "We're snitches not gingers! Bring back the Whistle Blowers!".

The situation became irreconcilable when news broke late Monday that Matt Bonner was requesting to be traded or released. Bonner released this statement:

"I came here to take this team on my back and carry them to a championship. As for the team name, I just wanted the credit I deserved! I came here to lead and to show these guys winning basketball, but I couldn't get the fans and the team behind me. If this franchise doesn't want my 8 points and 5 boards then I guess I'll go somewhere where I'm appreciated, like Team Tough Juice."

The marriage between the Blowers and Bonner was never a great fit. The franchise had been looking for a big man to replace Al Jefferson after his season ending ACL surgery. The team needed an outside threat and an able defender which Bonner did not bring to the table as hoped. In his one game with the Blowers, Matt Bonner showed flashes of the raw athleticism and potential that has teased fans and GMs, posting 3 points, 5 boards, and 2 assists. Despite his production and seemingly unlimited potential, his teammates were reluctant to accept the young prodigy into the locker room. "His talent is undeniable," Dwyane Wade says, "but the me-first attitude is just something this locker room isn't big enough for." Team management was just as disappointed and released this statement this morning:

"You may have read in the news today that Matt Bonner requested to be cut from the Whistle BONNERS. His refusal to play up to standard during weeks against Jacob [a rival fantasy owner in NBA Jam T.E. fantasy basketball league] was detrimental to the team. He made excuses for his performance like, 'I can't, us gingers need to stick together.' After careful deliberation the franchise has decided to move forward without Matt and have changed our name back to the Whistle Blowers. We wish Matt well."

It's sad to see a kid with so much talent be held back by character issues. He will remain one of fantasy basketball's most enigmatic players. He will always tantalize fantasy owners with his skills. When Mr. Bonner finally puts his ego and his ginger loyalty aside, I see a bright future for him. He has a wealth of talent but, for now, it's wasted talent.

Seriously New Jersey, Charlotte, or Milwaukee... We know you need the money, just pull the God damn trigger already!

Opening Day

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to opening day of Bust A Salary Cap! We're the world's newest sports blog, and soon to be the sickest mother fucker of all time. Our mission is to bring you sports commentary and analysis with everything you want, like humor, sweet stats, and fantasy tips, and without the things you don't want, like obnoxious east coast bias, Stephen A. Smith shouting at you, or snooze-inducing social dialogue.

If you like sports, laughing, and things that don't suck shit, then this is the website for you. We guarantee you'll be more satisfied than CC Sabathia at an all you can eat buffet. We promise that our adroit analysis will electrify you like a Michael Vick pit bull. We assure you that our sports insights and observations will make your knees buckle harder than Jake Delhomme's in an important game. In short, this blog will make you jizz in your pants.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy the sports related musings of 3 badass G's from the hard streets of the Pacific Northwest. If you don't, we may just have to bust a salary cap in your ass.