NFL QB Non-Controversies

The old saying goes “If you have two quarterbacks, you actually have none.” Every year in the NFL we see QB controversies where two guys vie for the starting position, and a controversy ensues when every fan and media member has a different opinion about who should be the man. But what about the newer, lesser known saying (invented by me) that goes “If you have no quarterback, or two shitty quarterbacks, you’re totally fucked." That’s when you have what I like to call a QB Non-Controversy. I think we can all agree that other than the few really good guys at the top, QB’s in the NFL by and large suck total shit. This results in a bunch of teams having non-controversies (and therefore non playoff appearances). I will now break down team-by-team some of the more glaring non-controversies in the league.

Minnesota Vikings

One of the leagues more heated non-controversies, the Vikes cranked the temperature on the hot seat under Tevaris Jackson by trading for Sage Rosenfels. Now the Vikings are in the unenviable position of having to choose between an old and slow (read: white) unproven turnover machine with limited NFL starts, and a young and mobile (read: black) unproven turnover machine with limited NFL starts. Minnesota’s stellar defense and running game die a little inside with each passing day thanks to this situation.

Chicago Bears

The Bears ended years of non-controversy by releasing Rex Grossman this offseason, definitively answering whether they would choose between a turd sandwich and a semen milkshake as their QB, finally settling on Kyle Orton (turd sandwich) as their starter.

Buffalo Bills
Buffalo had long since settled any controversy at their QB spot, going with Trent Edwards (slightly below average) over JP Losman (slightly below terrible). However, they foolishly reintroduced controversy into their lives by bringing in Terrell Owens, a man who would somehow find a way to complain about his QB even if a genetically engineered combination of Montana, Unitas, Marino, and Elway were throwing him passes. Sure he may start out with the tearful, “That’s my teammate… that’s my quarterback,” routine, but it won’t be more than 3 weeks into the season until TO is clamoring for more touches or a change at QB. Way to fuck up what could have been another mediocre season, Buffalo.

New York Jets

Definitely no controversy here. Ironman and perennial interception league leader Brett Favre has “retired”, opening the door for young Kellen Clemens to take over. We all know that once Favre says he’s done and formally hands the reigns over to the young man in waiting, it’s for good. If history has shown us anything, it’s that Favre sticks to his convictions about retirement. I’d love to be at lunch with Favre and newly appointed Jets head coach Rex Ryan when Favre dropped the retirement bomb.

“Coach Ryan, I have to tell you that after a lot of soul searching and conversations with my family [sob], I’ve decided to hang up my cleats. It’s hard because I know I can compete at the highest level – in my heart, I know I could easily throw 20+ picks and lead this team to 7 victories – but a man just has to know when it’s time to leave on top. That’s why I am [sob]… retiring”. Unfortunately, 5 minutes later he would get that famous “itch” to play again (I theorize it’s really just the itching caused by wearing his too tight Wranglers, but I digress) and he would unretire.Final Stats for Favre’s Lunch with Rex Ryan:

Retirements: 2

Un-Retirements: 3

Interceptions: 5

Cardinals, Cowboys, Eagles, Seahawks

I lump these teams all into one category because their non-controversies stem from the fact that their backups have gotten playtime in recent years (whether because of injury to, or benching of, the starter), and they have all proven to suck balls. You really can’t have a controversy on your hands when it has been shown through game experience that the backup is fucking terrible. Tony Romo isn’t exactly nervous about Brad Johnson breathing down his neck, nor is Kurt Warner worried about Matt Leinart setting down his clipboard and beer bong and taking his job during training camp. Warner, Romo, McNabb, and Hasselbeck, if you can stay healthy, I’m pretty sure your jobs are safe. No controversy about that.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Bucs are having extreme non-controversy at the QB spot because they don’t even have a QB. Well, at least not one with a pulse. After releasing Jeff Garcia, their depth chart now literally reads Brian Griese, Luke McCown, and Josh Johnson. Now there’s a 3-headed monster of shame. A good rule of thumb for GMs is that if you have any combination of Griese, a McCown brother, or some guy you’ve never heard of battling it out for the starting spot, you should probably go ahead and kill yourself immediately.