Local blogger and total moron Dark Mounty was found dead, apparently from suicide, in his Seattle area condominium Thursday night after Memphis, who he retardedly chose to win the NCAA tournament, was vanquished in the Sweet 16. Mounty, who has finished in the bottom three of his tournament bracket pool each of the last five years, took his own life shortly after the 3 seed Missouri Wildcats upset the 2 seed Memphis Tigers.
Authorities found Mounty's corpse alongside the destroyed remains of his laptop, which presumably he heaved against the wall out of fury at his own stupidity for choosing Memphis to win his bracket. Also found by Dark's body and smoldering laptop was a suicide note, the contents of which his family has agreed to release to the media. Here is an excerpt:
"My bracket's awful performance this year, along with the last several years, has demonstrated that I am too fucking stupid to live. The fact that I can't make a single reasonable guess at the teams who will make the final four in any given year has proven to me that I truly have nothing to live for. Any of the other mildly positive accomplishments I've had in life pale in comparison to the utter failures of my bracket. The extreme incompetence with which I've conducted myself in my tourney pools is just too much to bare. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to end it all."
Mounty continued, "Memphis!? Are you fucking serious!? They don't play in a real conference and they can't shoot free throws. What the fuck were you thinking!?!?!?"
The note went on to expound on some of the other more idiotic choices Mounty made in his bracket, including Arizona State going to the Elite Eight, and Gonzaga going to the Final Four. The letter also spent several paragraphs explaining how Mounty could not live knowing that total piece of shit Jake Briggs could possibly be so much better than him at something.
"Jake Briggs is probably the dumbest human I've ever met. And yet he destroys me with his bracket every year. If I can't beat someone with Briggs' I.Q., then I do not deserve to go on living."
The only uplifting points of the suicide note came when Mounty bid a loving goodbye to his family, and when he took solace in the knowledge that he would at least beat Liem Dinh in the bracket pool. Said Dark, "As bad as I feel, I take a tiny bit of joy with me to the grave knowing that Liem picked the Washington Huskies to win the tournament. At least one person on earth is more worthless than me."
No memorial service is scheduled yet, since no one really feels bad for Mounty. "It was his own fault," said friend Alton Ma, "That bracket sucked total shit. If I had picked that badly, I would have killed myself too. Frankly, I've lost so much respect for him because of this, I'm not even sad. I would not go to that faggot's funeral." When pressed to show the slighest bit of compassion for his fallen friend, Ma simply yelled, "YEAH RIGHT!"
Dark Mounty is survived by his two fellow bloggers, J-Smi and Mr. Glass.
I'm a slut.
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