Old Balls Griffey, and Even Older Penis Nicknames

Well it's official, Ken Griffey Jr. is making a triumphant return to the Mariners in the twilight of his career. And while this move is almost totally meaningless from a baseball perspective since he's old as fuck and basically washed up at this point, it brings back many fond memories to a Mariners fan like myself. Memories like him losing the home run race to McGuire and Sosa in '98, like him abandoning the team during his prime to run home to his daddy's Reds, or never making it to the World Series despite having him, Alex Rodriguez, and Randy Johnson all on the same team. Those are cherished, heartwarming memories. I jest; Griffey was great and did a lot for the Mariners and for Seattle. And honestly, there are a lot of really great memories of him and those mid '90s M's teams. But perhaps my favorite memory, and the most underrated, under-reported, and most un-ball-leivable aspect of the 1990s Mariners is their nicknames; they were all based on their penises!

Okay I know that claim sounds absurd -- how could every Mariner moniker be phallic? But it's absolutely true. Please bear with me while I break it down player by player.

"Bone" - Jay Buhner
Are you kidding me? Bone? How much more obviously could this nickname be about his dong? They might as well have called him "wood" or "stiffy" or "hard-on". Clearly Jay had an affinity for naked dudes in the locker room strong enough to get him visibly excited. Where else would this nickname come from?

"The Big Unit" - Randy Johnson
Another fairly obvious one. I can only imagine how this one came about. I picture some poor sports beat writer for the Post/Intelligencer accidentally wandering into the M's locker room looking for an interview after a victory over the Angels, and the poor bastard was confronted right in his face by a 12-inch fucking trouser snake dangling from the 6'10" hurler's groin. Before he knew it, the beat writer had his headline for the next day's sports page: "Big Unit Pounds Halos".

"Junior" - Ken Griffey Jr.
Unfortunately for the future hall of famer, he was hung with a pretty unflattering handle. Obviously "junior" didn't have the manhood to stack up to his well endowed peers. Poor little guy was just the kid among men.

"Dirty Sanchez" - Edgar Martinez
Alright you caught me, I just made that one up.

"A-Rod" - Alex Rodriguez
While this one isn't as obvious as some of his teammates, I don't think you have to be a rocket scientist to make the connection between "rod" and "penis". I think we can safely assume that A-Rod evolved from "He's really packin' a rod!" or something to that effect. And while many have since copied the first-letter-of-the-first-name / first-several-letters-of-the-last-name nickname format (T-Mac, K-Rod, D-Wade, etc), Alex's was unique in that it was about his dick. It’s ironic that he’s since probably injected his dick into oblivion with balls/penis shrinking anabolic steroids.

"Tiny-Cock McGee" - Joey Cora
Also made up.

"The Sheriff" - Norm Charlton
The Sheriff was the fastest draw in the west. Whether it was whipping it out to quickly piss on an unsuspecting teammate in the shower, or speedily rubbing one out in between the games of a doubleheader, The Sheriff's penile pistol skills were unmatched, and no doubt it is where he got the nickname.

So there you have it. Griffey coming back to the team really is a blessing, since it reminds us of better, more carefree days, when guys named themselves after their junk. I guess it is pretty nice to have old “Junior” back. Even though he’s old and sucks shit.